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The story of my new beginning

There was a time in my life when I had everything and then lost it all. I was married, lived in a nice flat in France, had a stable well-paying job in a bank in Luxembourg, travelled a lot and seemingly enjoyed my life. But there was a feeling inside me I couldn’t shake off that nobody could ever suspect – the void that was growing bigger every day. Despite all the things I had, I wasn’t happy and felt like I was faking it in front of all the people I knew. I was a fraud in my own eyes, and it seemed if I continued this way, I’d end up emotionally devastated and heartbroken.

Are you familiar with the theory of life cycles? Long story short, every seven years we all go through different stages in our lives with specific changes associated with each stage until we complete the first quadrant. We establish ourselves as a personality, find a good job, build a family and buy a house in order to finally settle in the material world to start our existential development journey.  And if we’re not happy with our life at the end of the first quadrant (by 28 years old), we destroy everything (or almost everything) and start from scratch.

And that’s exactly what happened to me! As I didn’t know about this theory before, I felt pretty bad and questioned myself a lot! I wondered “Am I crazy? Is it normal wanting to start over now that I supposedly have it all?” I was 29, and despite all the questioning, there was not a single area in my life I was satisfied with, so I experienced a major crisis and decided to throw everything I had away.

When it rains, it pours

I’ve always considered myself a person who can’t live a still and peaceful life. I need a bit of tragedy, a bit of thrill, a lot of changes and a feeling that I’m evolving and I’m happy with myself.  But what happened during that period of my life was just the beginning of my troubles.  I went through a painful divorce, moved to a small but charming flat in Luxembourg which made my expenses skyrocket and started searching for a new job and my true self. That’s when I also studied coaching, actually became a certified coach, started coaching people but didn’t make anything serious out of it despite falling in love with it almost instantly. I was still afraid to change.

After a while, I started fighting a lot with my parents who didn’t support my decision to divorce, I got into a very toxic relationship that shattered my faith in myself, I changed teams in the bank which turned into a disaster, and I got burned out. And then, to top it all, I learned that my mom had cancer…And that changed my entire life.

When you learn such news, there are no words to describe the feelings rushing through your body. I cried my eyes out, got hysterical, desperate, then got obsessed with the research about cancer, read tons of articles and books and was frantically searching for a treatment to save my mom. But something else happened – I changed. A deep revelation about the value of life finally dawned on me. I mean, of course, I knew in my head that life is precious, but I wasn’t living by this truth before. I wasn’t making wise choices to live the happiest and the fullest life ever. And I realised it then so acutely in my heart that it seemed impossible to live the same life as I did before. So I decided I will make dramatic changes in my career. Fear was no more. But my priority at that moment was my mom, so I went back home and spent 3 months with her, supporting her physically and mentally. After that, I got back to Luxembourg with the desire to start making changes in my life. But I wasn’t realising at that time how high the emotional pressure was and broke. I got hit by severe depression, the first (and hopefully the last) in my entire existence…

find your way

It’s always darkest before the dawn

That was the most spectacular fall in my life. I wasn’t myself anymore and I had no control over my mind. I lost all the attributes that made my personality. My feelings were dissociated from my body. I was deeply suffering in my heart, torn apart by my mom’s sickness, but feeling absolutely numb. Thoughts were rushing through my head with such speed that I couldn’t grasp any of them, but I felt totally overwhelmed by thinking. I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t focus. Even watching series was a challenge, so I spent my days literally staring at the ceiling. There was nothing left from a dynamic, sharp, analytical and positive person I once was…

It’s sort of irony to realise now with what clarity I remember everything because back then I was in a fog. And I couldn’t see the way out. My mind was in a maze. I even found a picture of it to show to my doctor, and I was in the very middle and was wandering around. The more I wandered, the more I felt lost. And I definitely couldn’t see how I could go back to my job, so eventually, I lost it, but I couldn’t care less.

Now you must be wondering why I’m telling you all this in such details. And the reason is this. It was the darkest, scariest and the most horrible period in my life. I was desperate, confused, ruined, terrified and I couldn’t see how I will ever get back to normal. But I did, and I learned something crucial from this experience. Life is a bitch and troubles never come alone, but when all is crumbling down, you get a second chance to rebuild your life from the ruins and finally make it truly yours. The worst experiences bring us the biggest clarity that shows who we truly are and what we want from life.

Rise from ashes

My incentive to recovery was exactly the same thing that made me ill in the first place. My mom was sick. She needed me, and I couldn’t allow her to see me this way, so I had to get better. This thought got me started, but to keep going, I needed a project. Something to occupy my brain and to come back to my real self. All the thoughts and feelings I had when I just learned about my mom came back to me. But instead of crushing me, they gave me the vision and a mission to accomplish. I understood that I had to rise from ashes to live the rest of my life doing what I love, enjoying every bit of it, spending more time with my loved ones, helping others and allowing my true nature to finally break free.  And I have decided to change there and then.

The job I had before was a no-go.  It wasn’t reflecting who I was and it wasn’t allowing me to realise my full potential. Most importantly, I wasn’t happy doing it, but I was suppressing that feeling for years, and I started hating my job for that long time ago. I realised that the whole banking and finance world wasn’t my cup of tea. And then I remembered about coaching and how great I was feeling when I was doing it. I was thinking about it for years but wasn’t brave enough to pursue this path as I knew it wouldn’t be simple. But now I wasn’t afraid anymore, as while we breathe, everything is possible. The idea lit me up like a bonfire and I started building my dream from the bottom up. Where I found the focus and the strengths? I’m still not 100% sure.  But I had this incredible drive, and I started doing small things every day: talking to my friends, reading books, learning things about business, marketing, sales and how to build a professional coaching practice from zero. I was gathering and absorbing like a sponge all the information I could. I also started building my website and creating my coaching program, and in 6 months I was there. Ready to start my new life in every sense of this word, and I chose a phoenix for my logo as a symbol of a new beginning.

I lost my mom after 1.5 years of struggle and saving attempts, just about the time I finished building my coaching program…I’m not going to lie; it felt as if a 1000-ton truck hit me and stopped on top of me, refusing to move for quite some time. For a brief moment I wanted to send everything to hell and die with her, but I pulled myself together. Even though I still have this heavy feeling from time to time, there was a “bright side” in this terrible event, and I said this to my mom when she was still with me. Her sickness gave me the strength and the courage I needed to reassess my own life and to start over, and I think I got it right this time.

rise from ashes

Every fall brings a lesson

I’m not a super known coach yet, but I’m working on it, and I love it! I enjoy helping people, and I know I can help others through my life experience. I’ve learned what it takes to entirely reinvent yourself, to rise from ashes. To dig deep into your soul until the truth comes to light and to choose a new way that might be entirely different from what you’ve been doing before. So I can show the way to others! And I’m doing it because this is it, this is me! I’ve found myself, and I’ve found my path that I’m not going to change for anything!

Falling is an integral part of learning and evolving in life, so don’t be afraid to fall. A lifetime of stability is just a myth. Don’t be afraid to burn everything to the ground if that’s what your heart is telling you to do, but remember to learn from your past mistakes. You can’t know in advance what will come out of it. But you will never know it at all if you don’t give yourself permission to fall and rise again. But when you rise, you will reach your new heights and step into the greatness you never knew before. Don’t be afraid to destroy things if they are not what you truly want. They are bound to die anyway. Life IS a treasure, and we only have one. So don’t waste your time in a bad relationship, in an unhappy marriage or in a job you hate. Look inside yourself and find your own truth because nobody can do it for you.

Life is a roller-coaster and not always a pleasant one, but it’s the greatest teacher you’ll ever have. I’ve had my share of drama and irreversible changes for now, and I know I came out of it stronger and wiser than before. I encounter challenges every day, but I don’t lose my head because I’ve already been through hell. I also know that from now on, I will make changes happen, not wait for them to fall on me unexpectedly. I’ve learned my truth the hard way because I was too afraid to look for it and go after what I wanted when I had a chance. But you don’t have to do it like this; nobody should do it like this! You have the freedom of choice, so use this valuable gift to choose your way today and to create the life that you want. Even if you might need to give up some things you got used to for it. You will see soon enough that your precious life is so worth it!


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